I've always prided myself on my patience and tolerance, as a friend, as a wife, as a mom, as a psychologist, as a person. So it's hard when you can feel that patience ebbing away, and as the third trimester of my pregnancy has progressed I've felt this way. I've become increasingly short with Chase and I know that I yell at him more than ever before. Little things that toddlers do, such as darting off at every opportunity when outside, throwing their food off the high chair tray and onto the floor, kicking and resisting diaper changes, and tantrumming in the street to be picked up when my arms are filled with groceries just make me so frustrated. After I've yelled loudly at him I feel so sad and ashamed… because I know my reaction is way more intense than required by the situation. I mean, he should certainly be reprimanded for some of those things, especially when he's put himself in harm's way… but my tone is way harsher than I'd like. It's hard when you feel powerless to control your mood and hormones. I don't recall feeling this way with the first pregnancy, but then I didn't have anything as trying as keeping up with a spirited and sometimes willful toddler, while also balancing work and home.
This has been exacerbated by the fact that I've been feeling unsupported and alone lately. I do the bulk of the house-keeping and also most of the caring for Chase. Derek has been struggling with some heavy, personal family stuff, along with a stressful, high profile case at his firm, that has kept him emotionally and physically not as present, which has worn on me. Our communication isn't as good as it once was and I miss as well as resent him for that… even while the more rational side of me knows that he is struggling too. We had a good talk about it tonight, in which I was able to express the frustration I've been feeling and what I need from him. Ultimately, I said to him, I don't want Chase to be the one who suffers because of a pregnant, impatient, mean mom. And we agreed that, despite what he's going through, he needs to step up a bit more and be there for me too… for the betterment of our family system.
I felt a lot better after having this discussion. I'm feeling like my husband and I are back on the same page again, where somewhere in the last few weeks we had fallen off. I think we're both looking forward to the pregnancy being over and meeting Chase's brother. I'm not under the delusion that the work load is going to get any easier… in fact, it will double and we're both aware of that. Only I won't be laden with the emotional instability pregnancy can sometimes bring, causing me to fuss at Chase so much more than he deserves. I feel like I'll be better able to give him what he needs, which is the consistently gentle, patient, and sweet mom I used to be.
well babes, heres the thing…this happens whether prgenant or not…at least for me. and i too, feel horrible afterward. lifes stresses and struggles creep back up in my tone, patience level and demeanor with my kids and its something that i have begun to try and address using a few different tactics. but us mommies have soooo much on our plate, so dont beat yourself up too bad. i pray for your strength and encouragement in the months to come
I, envy you. Your blog is much better under the maintenance and design than mine. Who to you the design did?
good post, seems like everyone can relate and has offered some great advice! don’t beat yourself up over it, take some time off to relax on your own once in a while, and stay in communication with derek so that he can help you more. everything will be fine!
I’ve been doing a little too much errr screaming lately and I’m not pregnant. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be pregnant with a toddler and yet I’m going to set myself up for that perhaps late winter, lol. It’s great that your hubby is supportive and is going to be pitching in a little more to keep you sane
. Love your maternity photos!!!
For you to say all that you just said proves that you are a great mom and a wonderful wife. All I can say is HORMONES! This is a trying time no matter who you are.
Please make sure you and hubby get some alone time, no matter how busy you both are with work, family,etc.
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Oh Kini I feel the same way. I have been shouting at my baby for no reason and she does feel it. This pregnancy is taking too much out of me and I am only 21 weeks. I hope and pray that things will get better for you. Your post was so so so good for me and reading what other moms are going through makes it easier for me. Things will indeed get back to normal when we welcome our angels on earth. Keep strong dear.
Yakini, I was just thinking to myself that I haven’t checked in on your blog in about a week. I started to think of how much we have in common. The first time I started reading your blog, not only did your face seem familiar to me but I felt as if I was talking. Now, to read your post today and it expresses EXACTLY what I’m feeling with my honey now during my second pregnancy-it’s truly a wonder. Men truly see things in a different light (or sometimes there is total darkness!). I’m glad he was so receptive. I have not been as lucky in this department and am still trying to communicate to my honey that even though I’m home with our 5 month old and am now pregnant-those 2 things alone are a lot to handle. Not to mention the cooking, cleaning etc. Sometimes, something has gotta give. ILove this blog!
It’s so refreshing to read your blog because of your honesty. I am a married mom of 2 boys(13 and 6) and I had the same feelings. I felt alone, resentful and guilty during my second pregnancy. Things will be better once you have your second child. You may find that your oldest is more helpful than your hubby at times
Despite a 7 year age difference, my oldest helped a lot(a little too much at times). From reading your blog I can tell that you have a solid marriage. The mere fact that you honestly communicated your feelings to your husband says a lot. As long as you continue to communicate you will be fine. By the way, I still get frustrated at times. My 6 year old was on my last nerve the other day. I called my sister and told her if she didn’t come to get her nephew, he was going out the window(just joking of course) Seriously, my hormones have been out of wack and my patience is thin as ice. It could be because I am approaching 40 next month. Anyway, when I need to escape, I take a relaxing bubble bath or shut my room door and read a good book or blog. Lastly, I know this may sound a little superficial, but it works for me. When I am REALLY feeling stressed, I leave the men in my life and go shopping to treat myself to a new outfit or pair of shoes and a mani and pedi. Looking cute always lifts my spirits! Continued blessings to you!
That is such a hard place to be! Hang in there! The heat of summer, busy life, rambunctious toddler, busy hubby, and raging hormones is a dismal combination and when you make it through … you can look back and be amazed by what a strong woman you really are!
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s just your hormonal change. Embrace the fact that Chase will have a playmate soon. Talking with hubby was a good thing too because you don’t ever want to build resentment for him. Praying for you and believing you will be just fine:)
I love your honesty with this post Yaki. I used to struggle with admitting this very thing to myself, but admitting my shortcomings in some of the things that I do as a mother helped me to do better.
It’s wonderful that you and Derek were able to talk through things, find a middle ground – and agree to work together as a unit. Chase and baby boy will benefit from seeing that type of team work between you two in so many ways.
You are in my thoughts. You hang in there. Sharing these feelings are great, because you are not alone. I know at times you may feel like this mean mommy. You will be fine and will have these feelings even as the children are older and you have to discipline them. As parents we just want to love our children. When we lose our patience the guilt can be overwhelming, but as previously stated children are forgiving, and may I add aware when they are pushing buttons too. I have learn to apologize when needed and the children do the same!!!!!! You are a WONDERFUL mom and wife. Derek, Chase and Baby Etheridge are very blessed!!!!!!!
Awwww! I can totally relate. Give yourself a break – many women aren’t half the mom you are under the best circumstances. Chase knows his mommy loves him, even if she seems cranky! Get help if you can with the house – the time you save will be worth the money!
*hugs* Thank you so much for sharing. I can so relate to this, and Im not even pregnant, but dealing with an injury isn’t really serious, but enough that it is impacting the things I can do in a big way. EVERYTHING has me on edge, because Im in pain, and uncomfortable, can’t take anything for it, but I STILL have to do everything I was doing before. It wears on you so much, and I can really understand how you feel, even though your situation is on a bigger scale.
I wish you the best, and Im so glad you were able to talk with the hubby, and express what was going on with you. Those emotional highs and lows will be behind you soon, and these feelings will be distant memories!
Thank you for being so honest in this post. I can truly relate to this and I only have 1 10mo old but the weight of all the house work, your own business, and baby gets to be really heavy at times. I’m sending good vibes your way and Aug 1st is just around the corner!!
Glad you guys got to talk it out and I’m sure it will all get better.
welcome to my world, hahahahahah!!! i think we have had this convo before, how i spent so much of my 2nd pregnancy feeling hella guilty for how i treated garv. i think that the challenge is exacerbated by his age range, as u alluded to. those “terrible 2s”, (which actually began BEFORE 2) are no joke, and as a 3rd trimester mama, u just dont have the same tolerance for those “cutesie” antics as u did before.
as bibi indicated in her dissertation up above, though, children are the only ones who remain the same, in spite of our antics, and this truly is an endearing quality. and as someone else indicated, they are also very quick to forgive (which actually makes u feel guiltier sometimes), and as someone else indicated, tomorrow is another day (unfortunately, it will probably bring about similar results, tho, haha!!)
contrary to what folks may assume, though, having a 2nd child is not truly “double” the work at all. in the beginning it is, perhaps, (unless you have a really helpful spouse), but eventually, doing double-duty is 2nd nature and a cinch, esp once u have the kids on a similar schedule, i.e. feeding, sleeping, playing.
let the games begin!!
Being an experienced mom of four pregnancies, what you are feeling is truly normal and typical of pregnant mommies. It is a difficult job carrying out your regular life routine with a “changed you”, i.e., a pregnant you. Pregnancy affects everything about a woman besides her rounding body shape, such as her outlook, her attitude, her behavior, her decisions, her emotions, her affections, her everything. The problem is that when the pregnant woman changes, the human support system around her “should not” change but operate as they did before the pregnancy began; instead, the people around us themselves change too and thus begin to react to the changes exhibited by the pregnant person. Very few people are able to step back and look at what’s happening and take charge by staying “sweet” when she’s mean to them or “being understanding” when she’s throwing plates at you. In other words, the only humans around her who “never” change their behaviors and actions are the “babies, toddlers, children”: i.e., they are going to be who they are whenever hungry, angry, antsy, bored, etc. They still love her and want her hugs even when she is mean to them. What would make life easier is having the adult support system to react like the “baby/children support system”, albeit the partner or hubby or, if single, the close friend or relative. If they truly understood they “why” for these temporary changes, they would automatically try to operate as normal as possible in the midst of her up and down tirades. Even before I was ever pregnant, I realized the need to be tolerant and not reactive to the changed pregnant women. My best friend from high school in the 1970s opted to skip college to get marry as a teen and become a mom. While pregnant, she transformed into a minerva, the witch, a very different person, and a very nasty person. Because I knew how she was before the pregnancy, I understood that who she was now as a pregnant person was someone merely visiting in her body; Hence, I decided to treat that “evil visitor” nicely, as I would a disgusting houseguest in my home who would be leaving soon; hence, i was patient, understanding, and holding my breath many times to count to five and while smiling to keep from killing her at times..lol Once the pregnancy ended, my best friend was back and life was simple and bliss again. In other words, most people are not like me and thus the pregnancy experience is exacerbated to being more stressful with negative occurrences because our human support system fails to understand this experience that changes us. I didn’t mean to ramble but I bet this same conversation took place back in the neanderthal days when women sat around the fire in the caves discussing how stressed out their girlfriend “Ughga Mae’” was during her pregnancy. It’s just hard being a woman and a mother, whether it’s cramping from our menses as young girls or having heartaches worrying about our grown child going through a divorce. Reading your bit, I see that little has changed behaviorally in the unending world of pregnancy.
Sound mind, patience, strength and balance are being prayed for you right now in addition to many blessings for you and your family. Your candor is a blessing to many others who have difficulty expressing and requesting their needs. We all have had some level of what you have expressed in our family structures and parenting, I applaud you on taking action to resolve and not allowing it to continue to spiral.
Hugs!
I’m a mommy of one very busy toddler and not even pregnant and I can relate to this post. In fact, I wrote a similar post on my blog last week. What has helped me cope is just taking time to reaffirm to myself why my daughter is here and just taking time to calm down before I blow. I’m learning to not let my stress become her stress. It’s hard as hell, but I’m determined to not be so many of the moms I see who don’t have time or patience with their kids.
Maybe, what drives me even more to find a better balance and mothering technique with Moo is the fact that as a child, I wished my mom would have strived to be treat us or handle certain situations better. She wasn’t great at not letting her stress rub off into her parenting and that sucked and has left scars that are still with me and my siblings. And I know that my Moo deserves better.
I think that you are doing the best thing by admitting the issues and talking them out with your husband and opening up in our blog. Getting your feelings out is the greatest medicine sometimes. As moms we are our own worst critic and at times we need to hear from other moms that we’re ok and that we will make it through our rough patch. So, I say to you that this is just a season. Things will get better. Don’t beat yourself up, but take it one day at a time and try to slow down when you feel yourself about to loose it. Think of the positives to motivate you through the negatives.
Sometimes the boys just don’t know the kind of stress we are under. But if we just let them know, they will almost always run to our aid. The boys are nice.
Thanks for sharing, this rings true in the Jones Household. You are not alone…..Sending ((HUGS)) you way.
You and I are so >>here<<. I felt/feel the same way during my pregnancy and even now that Luqman is here. In my husband’s culture men typically are less involved with the little ones so it’s stressful and frustrating at times when you as the mom feel like you are doing it all alone. I’m so happy that you and your husband are on the same page again. Please take it easy on yourself. Beating yourself up will only make you feel worse.
Hugs!!!
I think all moms have had a moment where they had these same feelings. Being a parent is trial and error, we make mistakes also…Whats so awesome about kids is that they are forgiving…Minutes later they are kissing and hugging you like they were never scolded. Being a mom of a toddler is difficult by itself and to add pregnancy in the third tri, the heat and off kilter with your spouse can cause the most patient person to snap. I applaud you, you are not alone! Trust me! You are a great Mom, and Chase adores and loves you. He knows you mean no harm. *soft belly rubs*
This is a superb post and I absolutely LOVE the title. As soon as I read it I knew this topic would be something I could relate to. (Wouldn’t it make a great book title…hint hint).
But back to your post….I am sending huge amounts of encouragement your way because so many moms can relate to exactly what you are going through. Many of us feel guilt that we arent able to spend as much time with our baby after a new one comes along. And even though you want to get back to your old self, consider that you might not ever be “that mom” again. Having one child is one thing, having more than one is a WHOLE other ball game! So, you may yell a little more and your patience may wear thin, but the blessing in all of that is you have another day to try to do better.
Bless you my sister! We are here with you!
I am praying for you: for balance, for strength, and most of all for your sanity!
It’ll be ok!
Thank you so much for writing this. I can really identify with where you’re at although I don’t have the pregnancy thing to deal with too– wowsers, mama, you’ve really got your work cut out for you. I’ve got a bratty lil toddler though who is alternately a joy as well. All I can say is hooray for your honesty and ability to process your feelings and move into right action